Finding Peace in Your Present

My first post was simple, I knew I needed to start in that space to introduce what coaching was for me. However, this second post has been much harder to develop. As I mentioned before, I continue to struggle around procrastination, fear, and perfection, but that wasn’t the case this time. I just have so much on my heart and so much I want to share to inspire and help other women. Where do I even start and which feeling or emotion do I allow to guide me along the way? Do I start from my childhood, from 2017 when my life changed for the best, or begin in the present?

What better way to encompass ourselves around the holiday season than to start this post about a recent experience and how I have felt compelled to move forward with it as God continues to shift my perspective and growth.

Last week I had a very heartfelt conversation with a patient about a friend of hers who was widowed and soon to be married again. She began to explain how much this friend was struggling with the tug and pull of emotions that surrounded her as she processed each step towards her wedding day. As I listened to my patient express deep sympathy for her dear friend, I felt the pain and joy her friend was experiencing, I knew this all way too well myself and could emphasize with every single word. This conversation has stuck with me and I have thought about it many times this past week. It brings me to a state of gratitude. That may sound odd. Keep reading, God knows exactly what he is doing and we are always right where we are meant to be. That conversation had a purpose.

Two nights ago, as I wrapped the Christmas presents for my family, I decided to watch “I Can Only Imagine”. I have avoided this movie for far way too long, knowing it would stir up too many emotions. This was a song that my late husband adored and we chose to honor that admiration and play it at his funeral. It has since then been played at his grandpas funeral as well and brings me to tears every time I hear it on the radio. It’s not just a few tears that run down the side of my cheek. This song leaves me melting in a puddle of my own tears, with snot running down my lips, my mascara ruined, and my body trembling with pain. Yes, it is an absolutely beautiful song, but I often imagine what it would be like to see Adam’s face and to feel his hug once again.

“Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do wherever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.”

• Elizabeth Gilbert

Grief is a symbol of love and it follows you for the rest of your life. It‘s woven into your existence and part of your identity, no matter what the relationship was prior to their passing. There are days it builds up like a rain storm passing through the shifting winds and other days it punches you straight into the gut and leaves you breathless, unable to move. It took me many years to understand this would be my life and if grief meant that Adam was loved and the life we shared was precious in more ways than words could ever explain, then I’d bear through it every single day for the rest of my life.

Understanding the definition of grief doesn’t make it easier, but understanding the triggers can help. When I was a hospice nurse, we taught our patients and their families about anticipatory grief and the stages that followed a terminal diagnosis, disease, or cancer. It was something we were trained to monitor for and to be sensitive to those who were experiencing it. This type of grief doesn’t go away after death. We anticipate grief when we know the triggers of those emotions are going to occur and holidays are no exception. Anniversaries, birthdays, angelversaries, and all holidays - we know that we are fragile and grief is sure to welcome itself in between the smiles and laughter that we share with those around us.

What others don’t expect is the grief that comes in the happiest of moments in our life when we are moving forward in life without our loved ones. We grieve that they are missing out on some of the happiest moments of what should have been their life, and that even when we are truly happy we are reminded that the life we once dreamed of together is no longer in existence. It doesn’t mean we are any less happy for the moments we are experiencing in the now and with the people who are experiencing it with us, it’s just a profound reminder of the love we did experience then that brought us to today.

As a woman’s empowerment and life strategist coach, grief is a topic that I am trained to help my clients work through, with empathetic listening, realistic goals of coping, and strategies to feel a lighter sense of acceptance in their life long journey with grief. I will be there every step of the way to help navigate the challenges of loss while maintaining values, personal growth, and optimal well-being. As a person who has experienced a great amount of loss, from losing my father at a young age, becoming a widow, and losing two of my best friends I have life experiences that I can help you navigate through your own personal grief. I’m here to tell you that gratitude will be a strength we will focus on cultivating so we can redefine what happy looks like for you.

As I process another Christmas in my life, my heart is heavy but in a good way. I am extremely grateful for my life and those who surround me. Gratitude truly is a gift that has transformed my life for a better me and has allowed an amplitude of positive changes to transform my perspective on life as well.

“Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”

• Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart.

I could not have defined how I feel about gratitude any better. It truly sums up how the people of my past have brought me to my present. I have extreme gratitude for my family, my in-laws, and the friends who have stayed by my side, even at my worst. My life didn’t stop because Adam is no longer physically present and with gratitude as my best utilized tool for coping, his life continues to live through us, in our conversations of his name and by sharing our amazing memories together.

I have had the privilege to turn my grief into an ever lasting love, to honor his wish for me to be happy and to live in the moment full of gratitude, knowing that I am who I am and have the people in my life now because he was who he was for me and continues to be a part of my journey today. I have accepted that when grief encompasses my thoughts, it is a blessing to be reminded just how truly special love is.

Through the years, I have had extreme moments of grief that gave me the ability to look Jake in the eyes and know my journey gave me so much sadness, sorrow, and pain, but it also lead me to him and I could not and would not change that for the world. My love for Jake grows deeper as he continues to learn what grief means to me and allows me to honor the journey that gave us our life together.

And so, I leave you with this: You too are worthy to accept the life and love that you deserve. My hope is in this holiday season, you are able to honor the love you shared by accepting the gifts of your present through gratitude and appreciation of what was and was is now, knowing God will not give you pain without purpose. You are stronger than you realize and you were made to grow out of the darkness. Praying you find peace in your present dear friend.

Hugs from the Heart,

Coach Candi Sue